An academic, highly technical response to the iPhone 6.

The following piece was first published on the Bread&Crows website, as part of a collection of pieces by various writers, under the title ‘iThoughts – Our response to the iPhone 6, the Apple Watch, and THAT Steve Jobs hologram’.


I phone, you phone, we all phone. These are truisms, as true as isms can be.

Another ism that is true is that the fifth sequel in the iPhone franchise will soon be ransacking and also peacefully storing your personal information, for your cash and your convenience.

iPhone 6: Batman Returns.

What’s that? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over THE SOUNDLESS sound of my finger GLIDING over that smoothest of smooths, the screen of the iPhone 6. Oh yes, it certainly qualifies for the hallowed adjective “oh-so-smooth.” As smooth as exceptionally processed whale blubber. Or any other cetacean’s blubber for that matter.

But not humpback whales. They have lumpy blubber.

See? Or maybe you can't see. Just take my word for it.

Like whales, the iPhone is noted for its high intelligence. It can plan your week, access unimaginable amounts of information, and make you question your own sanity. When placed upside-down, it also doubles as a coaster for your coffee mug, though this usually works best when there is a coaster between your iPhone and your mug. Which makes the iPhone a sleek and elegant plinth.

In short: it doubles as a coaster, and triples as a plinth.

They say the iPhone 6 is “bigger than bigger,” by which they mean it’s smaller than the iPhone 5S. Well, it’s thinner, by a fifth of a millimetre. But it’s heavier. Technically, it’s “heavier than heavier.” exclaimed: “This will keep the Apple fans happy for a while.” But don’t all Apple products? “Apple is the opiate of the fans,” said Marx.

“You’re repeating yourself, Karl,” Engels pointed out maternally.

Karl nodded, and went back to undermining the capitalist system by dragging his middle finger across the screen to fling scrunched-up avians against precarious wooden structures.

“You know what Apple should make?” squawked Karl. “Fans. It would be called the iFan, and it would go WHOOSH.”


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